Friday, July 19, 2013
Sundress
I wore a sundress today. It was white. A thin solid polyester stretchy kind of tight underdress with a lacy cover that hugs the body. I felt mostly comfortable in it which is huge since I've been wearing fat clothes all summer. It felt good to feel sort of sexy again. That makes two nights this week that I've put on a sundress and makeup and I realize I could totally get into that girly stuff. Way more motivated to keep up with my transformation. Now if it would just cool down a bit so I could run and not feel like I'm running in a sauna...
Monday, July 15, 2013
Angry Splurge
It's been a few days and I've actually learned quite a bit during my super small break. Herein lies the full and very concise report:
I blew a vein a few days ago in my wrist which was confusing to me since I had no recollection of an injury that would have ripped, torn, or smashed through my vein creating a bulgy black egg-like contusion. And no, I could not blame it on a night of debauchery since my alcohol intake is now almost nonexistent. The next night while laying in my bed I feel this pain as if someone dropped an anvil on my leg near my ankle.My first thought was, "What the hell?! I wasn't even moving!" Looking down I see a huge bulge just where my foot bends up and OH it throbbed. It wasn't until the day after that I actually started feeling that wide eyed scared sort of fear, kinda like when watching that scary part of a horror film that is so incredibly full of silently loud anticipation and you're just waiting... Waiting for the next creepy as shit moment where something heinously awful suddenly happens. When I was getting dressed and all prettied up to go sell tickets to my next show (super excited to be on stage again!) I felt the same bulge and pain higher up where my leg bends, Higher up as in closer to my most important organs. In my oh my God I'm going to die of a blood clot moment I silently went where no human being should ever go, and after a few clicks on my keyboard learned all about the different chronic and/or fatal diseases and/or cancers.
I decided to take a little break for the weekend from my "challenge" and all the supplements. I did not eat clean, drank, and unfortunately blew up like a balloon from the sodium, gluten, and my good friends Jose (Cuervo), Jack (Daniels), and Oliver Mead (honey wine). My veins are good, thank goodness because I fear/hate going to the doctor, and tomorrow I will resume right where I left off. Because I don't give up.
Stats, before my weekend break:
I blew a vein a few days ago in my wrist which was confusing to me since I had no recollection of an injury that would have ripped, torn, or smashed through my vein creating a bulgy black egg-like contusion. And no, I could not blame it on a night of debauchery since my alcohol intake is now almost nonexistent. The next night while laying in my bed I feel this pain as if someone dropped an anvil on my leg near my ankle.My first thought was, "What the hell?! I wasn't even moving!" Looking down I see a huge bulge just where my foot bends up and OH it throbbed. It wasn't until the day after that I actually started feeling that wide eyed scared sort of fear, kinda like when watching that scary part of a horror film that is so incredibly full of silently loud anticipation and you're just waiting... Waiting for the next creepy as shit moment where something heinously awful suddenly happens. When I was getting dressed and all prettied up to go sell tickets to my next show (super excited to be on stage again!) I felt the same bulge and pain higher up where my leg bends, Higher up as in closer to my most important organs. In my oh my God I'm going to die of a blood clot moment I silently went where no human being should ever go, and after a few clicks on my keyboard learned all about the different chronic and/or fatal diseases and/or cancers.
I decided to take a little break for the weekend from my "challenge" and all the supplements. I did not eat clean, drank, and unfortunately blew up like a balloon from the sodium, gluten, and my good friends Jose (Cuervo), Jack (Daniels), and Oliver Mead (honey wine). My veins are good, thank goodness because I fear/hate going to the doctor, and tomorrow I will resume right where I left off. Because I don't give up.
Stats, before my weekend break:
Good
I LOST 9 LBS!!!
I'm not spilling over the top of my jeans - aka muffin top
When I suck it in, it goes in
I'm starting to see a change
Cellulite is starting to diminish. I still have a long way to go.
I still have the desire and believe it possible to train and look good enough to compete in a fitness competition
My husband is honest, loving, and so genuinely supportive. He believes that clean real whole food can not only make you feel and look healthy and strong, but it can elongate your life and naturally heal most ailments that come with age and poor nutrition. He's a hell of a guy!
Bad
I'm still heavier (in pounds) than I ever was during my first and biggest pregnancy where I gained 40lbs.
The understanding that foods containing gluten mean within a day I blow up into a puffy fat woman so fresh baked bread warm from the oven, mac and cheese, chicken and noodles, and pizza probably have to be a thing of the past...
I lost 9lbs and 2" as of Friday but I feel so bloated and blah from my weekend as if it never happened.
The understanding that foods containing gluten mean within a day I blow up into a puffy fat woman so fresh baked bread warm from the oven, mac and cheese, chicken and noodles, and pizza probably have to be a thing of the past...
I lost 9lbs and 2" as of Friday but I feel so bloated and blah from my weekend as if it never happened.
The realization that this is actually going to take longer than expected.
I'm not 22 anymore and two weeks of intense workouts isn't going to bring me back down to my once 19% body fat
I'm not 22 anymore and two weeks of intense workouts isn't going to bring me back down to my once 19% body fat
Ending thoughts:
Google is bad when you're not 100%
Mac and cheese will always be wonderful
Tequila and whisky will also always be delicious, plain and in a shot glass
I have a hell of a support system
I still believe that in time I can achieve my goals
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Red Red Wine You Make Me Feel So Fine
Out of the Cleanse Phase finally and into the Max Phase! Wahoo! Almost two inches looser in the waistline from when I measured a few days ago and way more energy. Hell to the Yeah!!
Oh and since I finished my "cleanse", my abstain-from-all-alcohol phase, I had a beer or two yesterday. Actually I had a shot and two beers, consecutively of course but within a three hour time span which is plenty of time to process.......right? A shot of tequila, straight with no lemon or lime or salt, just how I like it. Just shoot it back and enjoy the burn. (Ahhhhhh....) A beer the next hour, and one the hour after that.
I woke this morning with the worst headache I've had in a long time. I'm assuming it was a hangover? I am honestly confused because I don't normally have hangovers - ever. After only a shot of tequila and two beers neatly spaced out during the course of the night, I'm wondering if it was in fact an indication of the level of my new lack of tolerance maybe? Before the cleanse it wasn't unusual for me to buy and sip an entire bottle of red wine in a night and be fine the next day. No hangover. Actually in all honesty, it was nightly. A bottle a night. The sweet lady at my liquor store over here marks down wine every few days or so to make room for the new bottles. The entire section is $2.99, and it doesn't matter what brand, year, or color. I'm kind of a tightwad I'd say. Well with five kiddos, one hardworking husband, and a severe desire to stay away from bad-for-you foods, one has to make sure the grocery list is taken care of first - then the wine. My liquor store lady (I really wish I didn't have such a poor memory, then I could remember her name...Diane, I think), calls me "darlin". She likes to ring it up at normal price just to tell me what kind of deal I am getting because it's kind of a game for me to find the best bottle for $2.99. In fact, for Valentine's Day I found a bottle of dry red that had a hand stamped label. Hand stamped with a number as to label that particular bottle of dry French red from the batch in which it originated. I had to get it. My lady rang it up and it came to $52. $52!!! I bought it for $2.99. Ha!!
I realize that I'm a very sensory sensitive person. Unique, just like a few of my labeled offspring. I LOVE to feel. Love to have my arms, feet, back, neck, sides, and just about anything "tickled". Watching a sunset makes me feel tingly all over every single time. Strong good smells are intoxicating like a roll-your-eyes-back-into-your-head smellgasm. Sex, food, wine, sights, touch, smells... Indescribably amazing and highly desired. Now I guess bad smells (we have livestock, three dogs and two ferrets so it has been known to smell bad every now and then) can really put me in a pretty shitty mood, but normally the whole sensory thing is positive.
I guess where I'm going with this is I love to sip on something before bed. I crave it as if it's a necessary part of my nightly routine. Put kids to bed, pour something, drink, read, drink, watch tv, drink, try to sleep, drink... Before this challenge it was wine. Dry red wine. It still can be wine but not near as frequent. The first 10 days of this challenge require a complete abstinence from all things containing alcohol. I accomplished that, which is huge and now I feel way more in control of what I put into my body. So I guess not only have I lost almost 2" off of my waist, I've also realized that I enjoy tea and water with lemon slices and mint leaves so very much. Wine, as much as I love it, will be a luxury and not a bottle-a-night routine.
Oh and since I finished my "cleanse", my abstain-from-all-alcohol phase, I had a beer or two yesterday. Actually I had a shot and two beers, consecutively of course but within a three hour time span which is plenty of time to process.......right? A shot of tequila, straight with no lemon or lime or salt, just how I like it. Just shoot it back and enjoy the burn. (Ahhhhhh....) A beer the next hour, and one the hour after that.
I woke this morning with the worst headache I've had in a long time. I'm assuming it was a hangover? I am honestly confused because I don't normally have hangovers - ever. After only a shot of tequila and two beers neatly spaced out during the course of the night, I'm wondering if it was in fact an indication of the level of my new lack of tolerance maybe? Before the cleanse it wasn't unusual for me to buy and sip an entire bottle of red wine in a night and be fine the next day. No hangover. Actually in all honesty, it was nightly. A bottle a night. The sweet lady at my liquor store over here marks down wine every few days or so to make room for the new bottles. The entire section is $2.99, and it doesn't matter what brand, year, or color. I'm kind of a tightwad I'd say. Well with five kiddos, one hardworking husband, and a severe desire to stay away from bad-for-you foods, one has to make sure the grocery list is taken care of first - then the wine. My liquor store lady (I really wish I didn't have such a poor memory, then I could remember her name...Diane, I think), calls me "darlin". She likes to ring it up at normal price just to tell me what kind of deal I am getting because it's kind of a game for me to find the best bottle for $2.99. In fact, for Valentine's Day I found a bottle of dry red that had a hand stamped label. Hand stamped with a number as to label that particular bottle of dry French red from the batch in which it originated. I had to get it. My lady rang it up and it came to $52. $52!!! I bought it for $2.99. Ha!!
I realize that I'm a very sensory sensitive person. Unique, just like a few of my labeled offspring. I LOVE to feel. Love to have my arms, feet, back, neck, sides, and just about anything "tickled". Watching a sunset makes me feel tingly all over every single time. Strong good smells are intoxicating like a roll-your-eyes-back-into-your-head smellgasm. Sex, food, wine, sights, touch, smells... Indescribably amazing and highly desired. Now I guess bad smells (we have livestock, three dogs and two ferrets so it has been known to smell bad every now and then) can really put me in a pretty shitty mood, but normally the whole sensory thing is positive.
I guess where I'm going with this is I love to sip on something before bed. I crave it as if it's a necessary part of my nightly routine. Put kids to bed, pour something, drink, read, drink, watch tv, drink, try to sleep, drink... Before this challenge it was wine. Dry red wine. It still can be wine but not near as frequent. The first 10 days of this challenge require a complete abstinence from all things containing alcohol. I accomplished that, which is huge and now I feel way more in control of what I put into my body. So I guess not only have I lost almost 2" off of my waist, I've also realized that I enjoy tea and water with lemon slices and mint leaves so very much. Wine, as much as I love it, will be a luxury and not a bottle-a-night routine.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Girl Talk
It's 1:22am so I guess it's officially tomorrow (Day 10). I can't sleep, shouldn't eat, and can't go for a run unless I want to end up on the news as a negligent parent for leaving five kiddos sleeping home alone. Would jumping rope on the back deck look a bit crazy this time of night?
This whole gaining weight thing has been pretty difficult emotionally and not just because I have to suck it in just to button my jeans. I've had years of belly issues and many many surgeries. My eighth and final one, three years ago, was where I began surgically induced menopause, which is more extreme than natural menopause. They cut me hip to hip completing my partial hysterectomy a year earlier. No ovaries, no uterus, no cervix, and no more hormones. The plus side was I was never going to have to have another period. The negative side was it turned me into a raging moody turbo bitch with intense hot flashes and soaking wet take-a-shower-in-the-middle-of-the-night, night sweats. Also, the weight gain. I've not had to worry much about how what I eat would affect my weight my entire life, but here I am at age 34 feeling like a 55 year old woman. It kind of messes with my head sometimes. I have to worry now about things like my bone density, taking my daily calcium and vitamin D, and my bio-identical hormones. I'm too young for this! Hopefully this "challenge" jump starts my metabolism and I can bring out the healthy sexy mama in me.
Thank you for pretending you didn't see the horrendously awful photos I posted the other day and sticking with me on my journey. YOU ROCK!
This whole gaining weight thing has been pretty difficult emotionally and not just because I have to suck it in just to button my jeans. I've had years of belly issues and many many surgeries. My eighth and final one, three years ago, was where I began surgically induced menopause, which is more extreme than natural menopause. They cut me hip to hip completing my partial hysterectomy a year earlier. No ovaries, no uterus, no cervix, and no more hormones. The plus side was I was never going to have to have another period. The negative side was it turned me into a raging moody turbo bitch with intense hot flashes and soaking wet take-a-shower-in-the-middle-of-the-night, night sweats. Also, the weight gain. I've not had to worry much about how what I eat would affect my weight my entire life, but here I am at age 34 feeling like a 55 year old woman. It kind of messes with my head sometimes. I have to worry now about things like my bone density, taking my daily calcium and vitamin D, and my bio-identical hormones. I'm too young for this! Hopefully this "challenge" jump starts my metabolism and I can bring out the healthy sexy mama in me.
Thank you for pretending you didn't see the horrendously awful photos I posted the other day and sticking with me on my journey. YOU ROCK!
Friday, July 5, 2013
Million Dollar Baby (Day 8)
Despite the fact I am still waiting impatiently for that urge to run to the bathroom (I swear I will be 10 lbs lighter if it ever happens), I actually feel good today. Good enough to exercise. So, I strapped on my weighted gloves, got my jumprope and medicine ball, put in my boxing workout dvd (since it costs way too much to pay for all the kids to be in child care at the gym, during the summer when they're not in school) and went at it. Not sissy like either - because I'm motivated. So with The Eye of the Tiger playing on repeat in my head, I was throwing jabs and hooks and uppercuts that would make even Rocky proud. This is my end goal "look". It's strong, healthy, and still feminine. I can do it!
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My belly makes "the girls" look small and I look 5 months pregnant. It's disgusting. I WILL look different soon. Just have to keep telling myself to have patience...
This is what I look like now. I'm really not ready to post this just yet but logic tells me that if I wait until I'm not embarrassed, I'm not really posting the true before photo. This is one year without exercising and trying but not always eating healthy. Here goes, photos of the pasty blobby me.
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My belly makes "the girls" look small and I look 5 months pregnant. It's disgusting. I WILL look different soon. Just have to keep telling myself to have patience...
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Numbers
Bust: 35 1/2
Waist: 34
Hips: 36
Upper Arm: 10
Thigh: 22
Calf: 12 1/2
My measurements, in inches but I still need an accurate weight. I'll have to make that happen tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
The Scoop On Poop
As I have said previously, I do have a terrible addiction to laxatives. It has been a pretty big secret for many many years (although I have told one friend, my husband, and my mama). Here it is in all it's glory.
It was gentle, overnight, and very predictable down to the hour in which I would need to plan on being near the John. Now I while there has been some understanding, I've also heard, "They're so bad for you.", "Colon cancer is a killer.", and "What happens if you develop an addiction?". Well, I DO know they're bad for me, cancer IS a bitch, and I AM addicted but hey, I love food way to much to be anorexic, I would rather die than make myself vomit, and don't enjoy math enough to calorie count all day. After taking five to seven pills a day for more than half a decade it's not as easy to give up as soda so here I am, Day 5, sitting on my bed feeling like a bloated whale. I've never wanted to take a dump so bad in my life...
Please understand, though, that while this withdrawl is kicking my ass - hard - I don't have the ability to back down from a challenge. I mean it's a dare, right? No exercise for me again today, but I'm here and I'm still IN IT! I will finish and I will be glad I left my old habits in the dust.
It was gentle, overnight, and very predictable down to the hour in which I would need to plan on being near the John. Now I while there has been some understanding, I've also heard, "They're so bad for you.", "Colon cancer is a killer.", and "What happens if you develop an addiction?". Well, I DO know they're bad for me, cancer IS a bitch, and I AM addicted but hey, I love food way to much to be anorexic, I would rather die than make myself vomit, and don't enjoy math enough to calorie count all day. After taking five to seven pills a day for more than half a decade it's not as easy to give up as soda so here I am, Day 5, sitting on my bed feeling like a bloated whale. I've never wanted to take a dump so bad in my life...
Please understand, though, that while this withdrawl is kicking my ass - hard - I don't have the ability to back down from a challenge. I mean it's a dare, right? No exercise for me again today, but I'm here and I'm still IN IT! I will finish and I will be glad I left my old habits in the dust.
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