Better Watch Out

Thanks to a short hiatus, I am back to my eccentricly fun self.  (Wahoo!!)  Just a quick FYI... If you're a man and you want to befriend or maintain friendship with me, please remember that I am very happily married and not at all interested in your private message requests for indecent photos of myself.  Not only is it degrading and hurtful to me or any other woman for that matter, it makes you look incredibly immature.  I have yet to understand how that could seem like acceptable behavior. 

If there is anyone else that wishes to courageously make this private proposal, be warned.  I will not now or will I ever tolerate it, regardless as to how long I have known you.

Now back to our regularly scheduled blog...

Sundress

I wore a sundress today.  It was white.  A thin solid polyester stretchy kind of tight underdress with a lacy cover that hugs the body.  I felt mostly comfortable in it which is huge since I've been wearing fat clothes all summer.  It felt good to feel sort of sexy again.  That makes two nights this week that I've put on a sundress and makeup and I realize I could totally get into that girly stuff.  Way more motivated to keep up with my transformation.  Now if it would just cool down a bit so I could run and not feel like I'm running in a sauna...

Angry Splurge

It's been a few days and I've actually learned quite a bit during my super small break. Herein lies the full and very concise report:

I blew a vein a few days ago in my wrist which was confusing to me since I had no recollection of an injury that would have ripped, torn, or smashed through my vein creating a bulgy black egg-like contusion. And no, I could not blame it on a night of debauchery since my alcohol intake is now almost nonexistent. The next night while laying in my bed I feel this pain as if someone dropped an anvil on my leg near my ankle.My first thought was, "What the hell?! I wasn't even moving!"  Looking down I see a huge bulge just where my foot bends up and OH it throbbed.  It wasn't until the day after that I actually started feeling that wide eyed scared sort of fear, kinda like when watching that scary part of a horror film that is so incredibly full of silently loud anticipation and you're just waiting...  Waiting for the next creepy as shit moment where something heinously awful suddenly happens.  When I was getting dressed and all prettied up to go sell tickets to my next show (super excited to be on stage again!) I felt the same bulge and pain higher up where my leg bends, Higher up as in closer to my most important organs.  In my oh my God I'm going to die of a blood clot moment I silently went where no human being should ever go, and after a few clicks on my keyboard learned all about the different chronic and/or fatal diseases and/or cancers.

I decided to take a little break for the weekend from my "challenge" and all the supplements.  I did not eat clean, drank, and unfortunately blew up like a balloon from the sodium, gluten, and my good friends Jose (Cuervo), Jack (Daniels), and Oliver Mead (honey wine).  My veins are good, thank goodness because I fear/hate going to the doctor, and tomorrow I will resume right where I left off. Because I don't give up.

Stats, before my weekend break:

Good

I LOST 9 LBS!!!

I'm not spilling over the top of my jeans - aka muffin top

When I suck it in, it goes in

I'm starting to see a change

Cellulite is starting to diminish.  I still have a long way to go.

I still have the desire and believe it possible to train and look good enough to compete in a fitness competition

My husband is honest, loving, and so genuinely supportive.  He believes that clean real whole food can not only make you feel and look healthy and strong, but it can elongate your life and naturally heal most ailments that come with age and poor nutrition.  He's a hell of a guy!

Bad

I'm still heavier (in pounds) than I ever was during my first and biggest pregnancy where I gained 40lbs.
The understanding that foods containing gluten mean within a day I blow up into a puffy fat woman so fresh baked bread warm from the oven, mac and cheese, chicken and noodles, and pizza probably have to be a thing of the past...
I lost 9lbs and 2" as of Friday but I feel so bloated and blah from my weekend as if it never happened.

The realization that this is actually going to take longer than expected.
I'm not 22 anymore and two weeks of intense workouts isn't going to bring me back down to my once 19% body fat

Ending thoughts:

Google is bad when you're not 100%

Mac and cheese will always be wonderful

Tequila and whisky will also always be delicious, plain and in a shot glass

I have a hell of a support system

I still believe that in time I can achieve my goals

Red Red Wine You Make Me Feel So Fine

Out of the Cleanse Phase finally and into the Max Phase!    Wahoo!  Almost two inches looser in the waistline from when I measured a few days ago and way more energy. Hell to the Yeah!!

Oh and since I finished my "cleanse", my abstain-from-all-alcohol phase, I had a beer or two yesterday.  Actually I had a shot and two beers, consecutively of course but within a three hour time span which is plenty of time to process.......right?  A shot of tequila, straight with no lemon or lime or salt, just how I like it.  Just shoot it back and enjoy the burn. (Ahhhhhh....)  A beer the next hour, and one the hour after that.

I woke this morning with the worst headache I've had in a long time.  I'm assuming it was a hangover?  I am honestly confused because I don't normally have hangovers - ever.   After only a shot of tequila and two beers neatly spaced out during the course of the night, I'm wondering if it was in fact an indication of the level of my new lack of tolerance maybe?  Before the cleanse it wasn't unusual for me to buy and sip an entire bottle of red wine in a night and be fine the next day.  No hangover.  Actually in all honesty, it was nightly.  A bottle a night.  The sweet lady at my liquor store over here marks down wine every few days or so to make room for the new bottles.  The entire section is $2.99, and it doesn't matter what brand, year, or color.  I'm kind of a tightwad I'd say.  Well with five kiddos, one hardworking husband, and a severe desire to stay away from bad-for-you foods, one has to make sure the grocery list is taken care of first - then the wine. My liquor store lady (I  really wish I didn't have such a poor memory, then I could remember her name...Diane, I think), calls me "darlin".  She likes to ring it up at normal price just to tell me what kind of deal I am getting because it's kind of a game for me to find the best bottle for $2.99.  In fact, for Valentine's Day I found a bottle of dry red that had a hand stamped label.  Hand stamped with a number as to label that particular bottle of dry French red from the batch in which it originated.  I had to get it.  My lady rang it up and it came to $52.  $52!!!   I bought it for $2.99.  Ha!!

I realize that I'm a very sensory sensitive person.  Unique, just like a few of my labeled offspring.  I LOVE to feel.  Love to have my arms, feet, back, neck, sides, and just about anything "tickled".  Watching a sunset makes me feel tingly all over every single time. Strong good smells are intoxicating like a roll-your-eyes-back-into-your-head smellgasm.  Sex, food, wine, sights, touch, smells...  Indescribably amazing and highly desired.  Now I guess bad smells (we have livestock, three dogs and two ferrets so it has been known to smell bad every now and then) can really put me in a pretty shitty mood, but normally the whole sensory thing is positive.  

I guess where I'm going with this is I love to sip on something before bed.  I crave it as if it's a necessary part of my nightly routine.  Put kids to bed, pour something, drink, read, drink, watch tv, drink, try to sleep, drink... Before this challenge it was wine.  Dry red wine.  It still can be wine but not near as frequent.  The first 10 days of this challenge require a complete abstinence from all things containing alcohol.  I accomplished that, which is huge and now I feel way more in control of what I put into my body.  So I guess not only have I lost almost 2" off of my waist, I've also realized that I enjoy tea and water with lemon slices and mint leaves so very much.  Wine, as much as I love it, will be a luxury and not a bottle-a-night routine.

Girl Talk

It's 1:22am so I guess it's officially tomorrow (Day 10).  I can't sleep, shouldn't eat, and can't go for a run unless I want to end up on the news as a negligent parent for leaving five kiddos sleeping home alone.  Would jumping rope on the back deck look a bit crazy this time of night?

This whole gaining weight thing has been pretty difficult emotionally and not just because I have to suck it in just to button my jeans.  I've had years of belly issues and many many surgeries.  My eighth and final one, three years ago, was where I began surgically induced menopause, which is more extreme than natural menopause.  They cut me hip to hip completing my partial hysterectomy a year earlier.  No ovaries, no uterus, no cervix, and no more hormones.  The plus side was I was never going to have to have another period.  The negative side was it turned me into a raging moody turbo bitch with intense hot flashes and soaking wet take-a-shower-in-the-middle-of-the-night, night sweats. Also, the weight gain.  I've not had to worry much about how what I eat would affect my weight my entire life, but here I am at age 34 feeling like a 55 year old woman.  It kind of messes with my head sometimes.  I have to worry now about things like my bone density, taking my daily calcium and vitamin D, and my bio-identical hormones.  I'm too young for this!  Hopefully this "challenge" jump starts my metabolism and I can bring out the healthy sexy mama in me.

Thank you for pretending you didn't see the horrendously awful photos I posted the other day and sticking with me on my journey.  YOU ROCK!

P.S.  I'm down an inch on my waist from my measurement a few days ago.  Wahoo!

Million Dollar Baby (Day 8)

Despite the fact I am still waiting impatiently for that urge to run to the bathroom (I swear I will be 10 lbs lighter if it ever happens), I actually feel good today.  Good enough to exercise.  So, I strapped on my weighted gloves, got my jumprope and medicine ball,  put in my boxing workout dvd (since it costs way too much to pay for all the kids to be in child care at the gym, during the summer when they're not in school) and went at it. Not sissy like either - because I'm motivated.  So with The Eye of the Tiger playing on repeat in my head, I was throwing jabs and hooks and uppercuts that would make even Rocky proud. This is my end goal "look".  It's strong, healthy, and still feminine.  I can do it!

This is what I look like now.  I'm really not ready to post this just yet but logic tells me that if I wait until I'm not embarrassed, I'm not really posting the true before photo.  This is one year without exercising and trying but not always eating healthy.  Here goes, photos of the pasty blobby me.

My belly makes "the girls" look small and I look 5 months pregnant.  It's disgusting.  I WILL look different soon.  Just have to keep telling myself to have patience...

Numbers

Bust:  35 1/2

Waist:  34

Hips:  36

Upper Arm:  10

Thigh:  22

Calf:  12 1/2

My measurements, in inches but I still need an accurate weight.  I'll have to make that happen tomorrow.

The Scoop On Poop

As I have said previously, I do have a terrible addiction to laxatives.  It has been a pretty big secret for many many years (although I have told one friend, my husband, and my mama).  Here it is in all it's glory.

It was gentle, overnight, and very predictable down to the hour in which I would need to plan on being near the John.  Now I while there has been some understanding, I've also heard, "They're so bad for you.", "Colon cancer is a killer.", and "What happens if you develop an addiction?".  Well, I DO know they're bad for me, cancer IS a bitch, and I AM addicted but hey, I love food way to much to be anorexic, I would rather die than make myself vomit, and don't enjoy math enough to calorie count all day.  After taking five to seven pills a day for more than half a decade it's not as easy to give up as soda so here I am, Day 5, sitting on my bed feeling like a bloated whale.  I've never wanted to take a dump so bad in my life...

Please understand, though, that while this withdrawl is kicking my ass - hard - I don't have the ability to back down from a challenge.  I mean it's a dare, right?  No exercise for me again today, but I'm here and I'm still IN IT!  I will finish and I will be glad I left my old habits in the dust.

Silly Scenario (Day 3)

My jeans fit just a little bit looser today.  I really wish I had a scale so I had some idea how much fat I'm losing during this challenge...  Oh, and I pee a lot.  A LOT, which I guess is good since I'm getting rid of the bad stuffs.  With my health problems this challenge is especially important to me.  

Scenario

Clumsy woman burns tips of fingers on scalding hot stove (accident prone woman sadly has managed to unintentionally involve herself in many weird but true incidents).  Woman cries from third degree burn.  A few weeks pass and the burn begins to heal.  A few more weeks and what's left is just a scar.  Healed skin.  

Did the woman have to put chemicals in her body to heal the wound?  No.  Did the woman need medicine?  No.  The body has the ability to heal itself.  I guess my point is while there is a time and place for doctors and medicine I truly believe some, if not most, ailments can fix themselves if the body is healthy.  Our bodies are a temple, yet we unknowingly abuse them by the secretive poisoning of the food industry.  Now while I do have faith in God I'm not some Bible thumping shove-it-down-your-throat Old Testament follower that says don't cut your hair, don't eat pork (aka bacon - YUM), and don't get tattoos (I have four), but we can lead much happier healthier lives if we take care of our body.  Cleanse, eat clean - not processed chemical sprayed or boxed foods, and exercise, friends.  

  

Carb Craving

Two opportunities for warm gooey-cheesy pizza and a crisp cool carbonated adult beverage were turned down yesterday by my...dun dada daaaaa...WILLPOWER!!!

More to write later, as for right now I feel pretty crappy with a headache and nausea.  Time for a Spark 

Day 1

In reverent fear of missing bad-for-you-foods I totally binged last night, raiding the fridge and the pantry of anything and everything I love including that deliciously dry burgundy wine...  Even writing about it makes me salivate.  Obviously I have a "problem"...

So here I sit, gassy and bloated and slightly hung over, looking at this box of Advocare stuff.

I can do this.  I need to do this.

Spark is awesome!  I am sold on this stuff.  I had one yesterday because I was really struggling to stay motivated, and I felt AWAKE.  Not heart racing jittery sort of awake but simply awake and ready to take on the day.

The fiber drink is alright if you love pulpy orange juice.  I drink it fast so it's done.  (WARNING: DRINK IT FAST!  Otherwise it turns thick and has the consistency of that stuff that blows out of disposable diapers when they're too wet.  That gelatinous goo...  Blech!!  So, drink it fast).

Breakfast:  I'm going to have one of Blanch's eggs (my favorite sweet hen), a small portion of steel cut oats, and lemon mint water.

Lunch:  Romaine lettuce, salmon, sliced raddish, sliced cucumber, sliced tomato, and a celery stick.  Lemon mint water again.  Have to go to the store, I'm missing my complex carb

Oh, and when the husband isn't working I will post a "before" photo so I stay motivated during this whole thing.

This is IT!

Me:  "My clothes don't fit!  None of them!!  

Husband:  "You look fine, honey"

Me (through tears):  "I'm so sick and tired of feeling like this.  I'm big.  Not just big, but huge!  I've never been this huge...EVER!"  

So there you have it.  That happens...daily.  Three years ago, even after birthing five babies I was still able to feel confident struttin my stuff in next to nothing at the pool. Lean and lanky, my arms were scary thin and my legs couldn't grow muscle no matter how many times I shakily tried to push on that damn leg press.  I swear if I turned sideways (pre-boob job) I would be almost invisible.  My diet consisted of tortilla chips and red wine, at night only, because I was too busy juggling kids and work and, of course, my two hours a day at the gym.  

Looking back though, was that even healthy?  I wanted to be beautiful with that silky smooth flat belly and not a single cellulite dimple, but at what cost?  I developed over the years a strong dependence on laxatives and an extremely poor self image.  People comment to me things such as, "YOU'VE had five kids?  You don't even look like you've had one!", which even though their intention was positive, I would just go home and look at all myself in the mirror...and barf.

Skinnyfat    (definition from the Urban Dictionary)

A person who is not overweight and have skinny look but still have a high fat percentage and low muscular mass. Usually those people have a low caloric diet, that's why they are skinny, but are not involved in any sports activities or trainings and that's why they don’t have any muscle. Since between the bone and the skin those people only have fat, the skin can be deformed easily because the skin layer is located on an unstable matter (fat).  Skinny fat woman look sexy from a certain distance but they have soft jelly skin and still have some cellulite even if they are in there early 20.

Tomorrow I begin the Advocare 24 Day Cleanse.  It's a start.  My new beginning.  And I will not only rid my body of toxins, but I will ease off of the laxative pills I'm taking every day, incorporate cardio and weights daily, and hopefully develop a more positive self image.  I want to be HEALTHY, not skinnyfat